I believe that there are four basic requirements in practicing an “ideal” marriage. I use the word “practice” because the term “ideal” in itself suggests a type of relationship that is consistently sought after but does not actually exist. I believe we must be satisfied to work toward longer and more sustainable periods of “the ideal” and feel accomplished and blessed when we succeed.
The first of the four requirements is “friendship.” I believe that it is imperative to “like” the person we are married to in order to even have a possibility of long-term success. A marital partner is ideally someone that we spend quality time with and enjoy being around and doing things with. Yet, it is amazing how many couples I see in restaurants that seem off in their own little worlds as they stare blankly into space, never even making eye contact. Friendship is what allows people to feel special and supported in life’s challenges. When we genuinely “like” our partner, it becomes easier to have unconditional positive regard. We more easily have exchanges that are empathetic and meaningful because we “like” being around our partner. It may be true that opposites attract initially. But, in the long term, I believe these numerous differences make it impossible to relate. These opposites are not people we would choose as “friends” because we wouldn’t understand them or enjoy doing things with them. Therefore, I believe that the first and most important step toward achieving an ideal marriage is to choose a partner that you genuinely “like,” a friend that you will be able to relate to and depend on. You must then nurture that friendship through shared activities, communication and caring. We need to share with our friends on a continuous basis and involve them in our lives, sharing both joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each of the partners a “soft place to land.” Couples who grow their friendships will have a treasure that is priceless and enduring.
The second requirement is “chemistry.” When I say chemistry I include physical attraction, but it encompasses much more than that initial infatuation that results in flowers and sleepless, fanciful nights. Chemistry also refers to a long-term feeling that makes us long to be with that other person when they are not there. We genuinely miss their little habits, their laugh, their smell, their presence. It is a genuine attraction to all of the elements that makes that person “who they are” and is both physical and spiritual in nature. When there is good chemistry in a relationship, it is almost tangible to others. We have all seen those couples who seem to glow when they are around each other, even when they have been married for fifty years. They seem to be two puzzle pieces that just naturally fit together and seek each other out. Chemistry is very powerful and can allow a couple to weather serious storms and tragedy in their lives. These couples know the joy of feeling a “true” physical and spiritual connection to each other. This gives them great incentive to work hard at communicating and understanding and satisfying each other’s needs. They want to exist in that blissful state of connection as much as possible. Unfortunately, I don’t believe chemistry is something that can really be changed much if it is not present initially. It is either there or it is not. If it is not, great tragedy can result for both people in the marriage because there will ultimately be instances of both physical and emotional rejection that will increase over time. However, if chemistry is present initially, it certainly must be fed and watered to grow and stay vibrant. One way to make sure this connection stays strong is maintaining the “dating” mentality. Couples must make time for each other and also make sure they are not taking each other for granted. A good tool for this is waking up each morning and thinking of one little thing we can do to make our partner’s day a little better or easier. Date night at least once a week will help to keep the romance burning bright.
A third requirement is not nearly as fun or sexy but is many times overlooked in its importance to the successful relationship. This is the “business partnership” that is required in a marriage. As couples live their lives as a unit rather than as singles, negotiations and goal-setting is required. Life decisions must be faced together, finances combined and day to day operations defined and executed. The successful couple will also have a long-term vision for where they will be long into the future. In choosing a business partner, it is important to choose a person who is competent and committed to the success of the business. This same premise should be applied in choosing a marital partner. We need to choose a partner who is actually competent to be in a successful relationship, i.e. not someone who brings in relationship destroying behavior such as addiction, violence, distrust, etc. We also need to choose someone who is committed to the success of the relationship and who won’t bail out the first time things become difficult. Once we have chosen a worthwhile partner, it is important to define goals, finances, household activities, career moves, etc. This can be facilitated by dedicated, sit-down meetings where the “state of the marriage” is evaluated based on the defined goals and objectives. These habits will foster trust, security and strength in the union.
Finally, an ideal marriage must be one that is growth-fostering for both partners. One of the leading causes of divorce is “growing apart.” It is naïve to believe that the person we are so enamored with on the day of our marriage will never change, or that we will never change over the next fifty years. Therefore, it is important to accept that fact from the beginning and embrace the transformations our partners will inevitably undergo in the future. Growing together in a relationship involves seeing “the relationship” as a living, breathing entity unto itself. The two partners are individuals existing within that known entity. As an individual begins to grow or overcome a challenge, they will test the limits of that relationship, the boundaries. In successful relationships, the boundaries will expand to accommodate the change and the relationship will grow. In unsuccessful relationships, they will break and let the individual outside. This resiliency is perhaps the most difficult to practice because many times change can mean conflict. Growth can be painful; hence, the well-known phrase “growing pains.” In conflict, people tend to disconnect and move away from each other. In order for growth to occur, a couple must recognize that disconnection does not have to mean that the relationship is over. Disconnection, if reframed as an opportunity to evaluate and understand a partner’s new set of needs or state of being, can result in tremendous growth in the relationship. The more disconnections that occur and result in reconnection, the larger and stronger the relationship becomes. In order for this to occur, both partners must believe that no matter how angry they get, or how disconnected they feel, there is always a way back and they WILL work until they find it.
I believe that the presence and nurturing of these four characteristics in a marriage can result in an “ideal” relationship that will be long-lasting and rewarding. I also believe that their absence or neglect will definitely result in marital discourse and contribute highly to the likelihood of divorce. However, Together Forever IS possible!!! It is the purpose of this site to provide information and tools that will help each individual achieve the Friend - Lover - Partner relationship that will make that happen!
Keep On Growing!!
Tracey B.
