When I was a young psychology student at St. Mary's University in San Antonio, Texas, I met a man who would change the way I both looked at the world and relationships. His name was Dr. Robert E. Lindberg. At that time, he was pretty much regarded as the local "Marriage Expert." I met with him many times over the following years and regard him as a man of great wisdom and as a mentor. In my practice, I incorporate his theory of "The 5 C's" to help couples on their journey to the best possible relationship. Below is an explanation and assessment that was originally included in Dr. Lindberg's Book "Marital Magic." I invite you to take this assessment and use the knowledge you gain to reflect on the relationship you currently have as well as what it will take to have the relationship you want. Even though Dr. Lindberg used "marriage" in this assessment, the principles are applicable to any committed relationship.
The Assessment below is from Dr. Robert E. Lindberg's "Marital Magic"
1. COMMUNICATION
Communication is the emotional bridge in a marriage. It is the way couples share feelings, receive problems, express intimacy, and add mental stimulation to their lives. Communication is multidimensional; it is the golden link between two people’s minds … and their souls … and their bodies. Communication means sharing ideas, feelings, and loving emotions. It is not surprising that the couples who build these bridges develop something very, very special in their marriage, and the couples who fail to establish these communication bridges often experience an emotional isolation.
Ready for the first of your five personal assessments? What is the level of communication that you currently have in your marriage? Please rate it on a 1-10 scale. (1 = very low compared to other couples; 5 = average; 10 = high compared to other couples.)
Your level of COMMUNICATION is: __________
2. CARING
Caring is the deep concern that you have for other people. It is the interest in their welfare, a wanting the best for them, a deep desire that they have happiness and comfort. The classical example of caring is that of a mother for her young child. No price is too much and no sacrifice too great if the welfare of the child is at stake.
In a romantic relationship the caring is based, in part, on the amount of romance and love. But in the best marriages the caring is not limited to the romance factor. The caring remains high even as the romantic love vacillates between the normal highs and lows. Caring is based on an emotional bonding that rises above the fluctuations of romantic love.
What is the level of caring that you currently have in your marriage? Again, please use the 1 – 10 scale (1 = low caring ; 10 = high caring.)
Your level of CARING is: __________
3. CHEMISTRY
Chemistry is the romance. It is the sexual excitement, the energy that piques the passionate desires. Chemistry needs little defining because the odds are great that you have felt this emotion at some time in your life. You know the difference between passion and friendship.
Does chemistry always fade after a couple of years of marriage? Many people think it does, but is this a “normal” occurrence of the result of romantic neglect? Before marriage, a couple tries to stay physically attractive, gives loving touches, remains sexually playful, and takes time to enjoy these chemistry sensations. Then, they marry! Now, they apparently depend on paying bills, taking care of the children, cleaning house, and watching television to stimulate the chemistry fires because that is mostly what they do before going to bed.
The point is this: Chemistry is more superficial than you realize. It is enhanced by communication and caring, but it is not created by these factors. The behaviors and attitudes that piqued the chemistry before marriage are the very things that best pique the “energy” after marriage.
What is the level of chemistry you currently have in your marriage? Again, please use the 1 – 10 scale (1 = low chemistry: 10 = high chemistry.)
Your level of CHEMISTRY is: __________
4. COMMITMENT
Commitment is based in part on the amount of communication, caring, and chemistry in a marriage. Couples who have these three C’s find is easier to make a total commitment to a marriage while serious deficiencies in the three C’s can make any previous commitment shaky.
But commitment also has a dimension apart from the other C’s. Commitment often reflects a basic value system, a value system toward marriage that can range from “If I am unhappy or find someone who interests me more, I will leave” to “I am staying in this marriage no matter what.”
Both extremes are questionable. Obviously, having no commitment (“I will leave the minute I am displeased”) provides little security, while the other extreme (“staying no matter what”) can quickly move from a very admirable position to sheer stupidity if there is physical abuse, a continuous series of flagrant sexual affairs, or total emotional neglect. But the attitude, “as long as there is potential for a good relationship, I am going to try and make it work” can add a very positive dimension to the marriage. It gives a security that encourages taking the risks needed to improve this most intimate of relationships.
What level of commitment is there in your marriage? (1 – no commitment; 10 = a very high commitment)
Your level of COMMITMENT is: __________
5. COMPETENCY
Competency answers the question “To what extent am I competent to be in a loving relationship at this time in my life?” If you are struggling with excessive insecurity, depression, jealousy, possessiveness, or low self-esteem, your answer may have to be “I am not very competent.”
Even though both people do participate daily in a marriage, it is not true that one person cannot have a major part in making it impossible for the marriage to succeed. I have seen many cases where one partner single-handedly destroyed a marriage (despite heroic efforts on the other person’s part) because of a lack of personal competence. If a person does not love himself or herself, it becomes very difficult for this person either to give love or accept love.
In struggling marriages one of the key questions is “Is it me or the relationship that is the problem?” If it is the marriage, adjust the relationship. If it is you, first change yourself. Become personally competent to be a very loving person.
Take a careful introspective look at yourself. To what degree are you, at this moment in your life, competent to have a special marital relationship? Please answer on our 1 -10 scale.
Your level of COMPETENCY is: __________
Congratulations! Your self-assessment is the courageous first step toward having communication, caring, chemistry, commitment, and competency become major factors in your quest for a happier marriage.
Pause for a few moments and give this introspective process even greater depth. Mentally review your marriage from day one to the present moment. Become even more keenly aware of how communication … caring … chemistry … commitment … and competency have played major roles in creating your current level or marital involvement.
Once you have assessed the current levels, you can begin working on strategies to improve the 5 C’s in your marriage/relationship.
Until next time,
Keep on growing!!
Tracey B.